I’m a chronic people-watcher. Love it. I could do it for hours and never fail to be entertained. But for lack of time of being camped out at the local mall, bus stop, or park bench, I get in my people-watching at the gym. A guilty-pleasure and a pleasure-pleasure knocked out at the same time…twofer!
We ladies are an interesting bunch. And I say “we” because I’m sure I do something that must be quite odd to others as I never see anyone else doing it. (Except my male counterpart and I’ll discuss him later.) My thing? I’m the star of my own lip-syncing version of American Idol, the X-Factor, and The Voice all rolled up into one. I am LEGIT busting out the song as if this is THE performance that will get me to the end of the show, trophy in hand with confetti falling all around me. No one else seems to be bopping along and singing like I am. What are they listening to in those earphones? NPR? Whatev. I know I look strange. I caught my own self in the mirror and was like, “What on earth?!” But I was happy. Endorphins do it every time.
But this post—this is all about the guys. Whilst I gaze around, there are 10 guys I see at my gym.
1.) The Helper
I don’t just see The Helper. I interact with the helper. Moreso, he tries to interact with me. Picture it—I’m in position to do my weighted hip thrusts, I believe I only had two 45s on the bar at the time, and he’s all tapping me on the shoulder, standing over me, “Do you need help? Are you in distress? I can help you. Let me get those off you.” Guuuuurl. My looks usually precede my words and I really am trying to get better with this, but he quickly knew that I was A-OKAY without his assistance. Usually if people are in danger of being crushed, they’ll scream. I didn’t scream.
Maybe I grunted, but I didn’t scream. Don’t help me; help the bear.
2.) Cool Water
If you’re putting in work at the gym, you’re bound to end up stinking. Sometimes STANKIN’. I appreciate the effort to control your odoriferousness, but that mixed with the cologne is creating a whole new type of pungency. Besides, your manly sweaty pheromones are way hotter, IMO.
3.) Run DM (and I) C You in Those Track Suits
I. Love. The. 80s. Apparently the older dudes at the gym loved and are still loving them, too. Now, I envision that I will always be partial to my Lululemons as I get older, but maybe 30 years later I’ll realize it’s time for an update. But nope–these dudes are holding on to the swishy pants/jacket combo until the very end. Bonus points for the guy with the mullet AND the track suit. He’s my fave.
4.) Brosef, Dude & Associates
I’m a lone lifter. I go in, pick sh*t up, put sh*t down and bounce. These dudes travel in a pack. Not just for spotting action when going for a bench press PR, but errrrywhere. To the free weights, to the weighted barbells, to the cable pulls, to the water fountain. “Leave no man behind!” is their motto. I’m all for the camaraderie, but man does it tie up a station sometimes. You have to wait for ALL of them to get their sets done. Although listening to their language is like a class in linguistics. No clue what they’re saying but I think it’s usually about a party, a girl, last night, and beer all being AWESOME, DUDE.
5.) Average Joe
He is my most favorite of all. Not quite there yet, but far from where he started. He knows what exercises to do, does them with great form, and he even works legs! Regular t-shirts, gym shorts, headphones—nothing flashy. He’s not making a big commotion to make his presence known. He’s under the radar AND under the bar,
simply putting in the work. This is a dark horse, y’all. Definitely my “one to watch.”
6.) Hyped Hoverer
“Hey, honey, how many sets you got left? Are you almost done? You ‘gon be finished soon? I got next!” Man, calm the f*ck down. I’m going to need to you take a little bit less pre-work out next time, m’kay? He’s hovering, jittery, pacing, jumping up and down all right up in my space! The C4 has kicked in and he has to lift NOW! Too bad any of the above questions work the exact opposite on me and I suddenly take my sweet ‘ol time…
7.) This Is My Jam Sam
So yeah, this guy is my swolemate. He feels the beat. The music is about to propel him to the next level of the most epic workout ever and he’s not afraid to let anyone know it. He’s not just lip-syncing and pulling a Cherie, he’s dancing, too. Mad, fresh skills. I want to talk to him, but I think it’s going to end up one of two ways: He’ll either challenge me to a dance off and I’ll decline because I’m a wuss and he’ll just walk away because I’m not on his level or he’ll challenge me to a dance off, I’ll perform horribly and he’ll shout, YOU JUST GOT SERVED.
8.) Creepy Rob Lowe
He’s not just in the commercials. He’s at my gym. Just staring. Leering. Creeping. All the while wearing jeans. JEANS.
9.) Mr. Tips
Similar to The Helper, I see Mr. Tips walk over to ladies who appear as though they’re newish to the weights side of the gym. This is when Mr. Tips likes to pounce. He’s not always skeevy, but the way he finds the need to show the ladies how to hold the dumbbell just so, or get into proper form—yeah, not necessary. It all appears to be a rouse so that he can touch them or ask for the digits because usually Mr. Tips is the type of guy that the question “Do you even lift?” would be directed toward. Because, umm, no. I don’t think he even lifts.
10.) Loud Muscles
(I got a quick pic of mine! The pumpkin is covering his head, haha.)
He looks like the guy from the Planet Fitness commercial, “I lift things up and put things down.” But that guy in the commercial seemed like a harmless old chap. Yeah, he was jacked, slicked up muscles poppin’ from every inch of his body, but he seemed generally nice. Like he would lift and keep to himself. Let the muscles speak for themselves. Loud Muscles looks just like him but he HAS to make his presence known no matter where he is in the gym. So loud, so boisterous, so much standing in the mirror flexing, peacocking, and talking to any and all around him. Whether they want him to or not. It’s like he was a member of Brosef, Dude and Associates when he was a little bit younger, but then somehow DID get left behind (probably because he was annoying even to them), and he’s been trying to make his presence known ever since. We hear you. We see you. And again, we hear you.
So, are any of these fellas at your gym, too?