Have I really not blogged in about a month? Y’all know that’s not like me. You really know.
So much in fact, that a good many of you were about to send out a search party. You texted (those with my digits), Tweeted, Facebooked, Instagrammed, Pinterested and emailed me to inquire about my whereabouts. This was all amazingly sweet of you. I never figured you’d notice. But oh yeah, you noticed. And again, I thank you.
I apologize on behalf of my absence; for my sudden disappearance and lack of response to your inquiries. When I did respond, I was cryptic and short; I wasn’t ready to explain. I can’t say for certain that I am now, but you can only keep things bottled up for so long, you know?
Here it goes.
I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression.
This was a big “DUH” when I got the professional’s diagnosis. I could’ve told him that, haha. But you also know too often I like to hop on the internet and play doctor all by myself. When my symptoms like these got too severe:
- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
- Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
- Significant weight loss or gain (No change, but appetite is awful)
- Sleeping too much or not being able to sleep nearly every day
- Slowed thinking or movement that others can see
- Fatigue or low energy nearly every day
- Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
- Loss of concentration or indecisiveness
- Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
especially that last one there, , I knew it was time to get some help.
Let me interject for a moment here to break this all up before it starts to get too Debbie Downer. I don’t want this post to be all sad and dreary. I’ve had enough of that for a good two months now. I just needed to get this all off my chest and get the elephant out of the room.
This is not new to me, though it may be new to you. I was also diagnosed with it for the first time in 2000 and then again in 2003. When I felt the symptoms creeping up on me again, I knew it was back with avengeance. I knew I could not ignore it, could not be too proud to ask for help, and could not deal with it on my own. And deal with…I am trying my very best. But as in with my weight loss journey, with this depression, I do have to take it day by day, if not hour by hour.
With a few people that have known I had it, it turned into the, “But you look so happy. You smile all the time,” “You’ll get over it; you’re just a little upset now.”, “Just be happy; there are people who have it a lot worse than you,” “It’s not a real problem. It’s not a disease. Everyone gets sad sometimes.” Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… To those people, I just didn’t even respond. If you’ve had it, if someone close to you has, then you know it’s not that simple. (I love Sara Brown’s take on it.)
I do have a therapist and we meet regularly. That’s good. I do have medicine to take (Sertraline) — I think it’s a form of Zoloft. That’s…ehhhh…not so good. It makes me incredibly drowsy, and especially at first, incredibly sick to my stomach. This greatly makes my appetite diminish. And then I feel super weak. Sooooo, being super sleepy, nauseated, weak, not properly fueled, and lethargic does not make for the best workouts. I’ve taken my gym bag to work with me everyday for the past two weeks and made it there a big whopping ONE time.
See? Yay, gym! While I definitely have a loss of interest in doing a lot of things right now, going to the gym is not one of them. I desperately want to go. It’s one of the things that make me feel normal, happy, and balanced. But until I can get these side effects to calm the eff down, it’s touch and go. I am praying I make it there today. I need it! Go endorphins!
So what brought it back after all these years? That’s for me and the therapist to know. But I am working it out. Like most journeys in my life, this will take some time. Thanks for listening to me babble, though. And thank you for sticking around while I was away and for making it through this post. I feel like the elephant has left the room.