The Elephant in the Room.

Have I really not blogged in about a month? Y’all know that’s not like me. You really know.

i'm not a player, i just blog a lot
Well, I USED to!

So much in fact, that a good many of you were about to send out a search party. You texted (those with my digits), Tweeted, Facebooked, Instagrammed, Pinterested and emailed me to inquire about my whereabouts. This was all amazingly sweet of you. I never figured you’d notice. But oh yeah, you noticed. And again, I thank you.

I apologize on behalf of my absence; for my sudden disappearance and lack of response to your inquiries. When I did respond, I was cryptic and short; I wasn’t ready to explain. I can’t say for certain that I am now, but you can only keep things bottled up for so long, you know?

Here it goes.

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression.

This was a big “DUH” when I got the professional’s diagnosis. I could’ve told him that, haha. But you also know too often I like to hop on the internet and play doctor all by myself. When my symptoms like these got too severe:

  • Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
  • Loss of interest or pleasure in most activities
  • Significant weight loss or gain (No change, but appetite is awful)
  • Sleeping too much or not being able to sleep nearly every day
  • Slowed thinking or movement that others can see
  • Fatigue or low energy nearly every day
  • Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
  • Loss of concentration or indecisiveness
  • Recurring thoughts of death or suicide

especially that last one there, 🙁 , I knew it was time to get some help.

elephant in the room

Let me interject for a moment here to break this all up before it starts to get too Debbie Downer. I don’t want this post to be all sad and dreary. I’ve had enough of that for a good two months now. I just needed to get this all off my chest and get the elephant out of the room.

This is not new to me, though it may be new to you. I was also diagnosed with it for the first time in 2000 and then again in 2003. When I felt the symptoms creeping up on me again, I knew it was back with avengeance. I knew I could not ignore it, could not be too proud to ask for help, and could not deal with it on my own. And deal with…I am trying my very best. But as in with my weight loss journey, with this depression, I do have to take it day by day, if not hour by hour.
depression is

With a few people that have known I had it, it turned into the, “But you look so happy. You smile all the time,” “You’ll get over it; you’re just a little upset now.”, “Just be happy; there are people who have it a lot worse than you,” “It’s not a real problem. It’s not a disease. Everyone gets sad sometimes.” Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… To those people, I just didn’t even respond. If you’ve had it, if someone close to you has, then you know it’s not that simple. (I love Sara Brown’s take on it.)

depression things not to say

I do have a therapist and we meet regularly. That’s good. I do have medicine to take (Sertraline) — I think it’s a form of Zoloft. That’s…ehhhh…not so good. It makes me incredibly drowsy, and especially at first, incredibly sick to my stomach. This greatly makes my appetite diminish. And then I feel super weak. Sooooo, being super sleepy, nauseated, weak, not properly fueled, and lethargic does not make for the best workouts. I’ve taken my gym bag to work with me everyday for the past two weeks and made it there a big whopping ONE time.
73113

See? Yay, gym! While I definitely have a loss of interest in doing a lot of things right now, going to the gym is not one of them. I desperately want to go. It’s one of the things that make me feel normal, happy, and balanced. But until I can get these side effects to calm the eff down, it’s touch and go. I am praying I make it there today. I need it! Go endorphins!

So what brought it back after all these years?  That’s for me and the therapist to know. But I am working it out. Like most journeys in my life, this will take some time. Thanks for listening to me babble, though. And thank you for sticking around while I was away and for making it through this post. I feel like the elephant has left the room. 🙂

 

Comments 26

  • Brave post to share. Glad you are getting help and sharing your journey with your readers. Not an easy road to haul but it might be easier with additional reader support. You are one strong girl Cherie!
    Melissa Burton recently posted..Only In New York – Chobani Soho StoreMy Profile

  • You just do what you need to in order to restore balance in yourself/life. Blog when you want, workout when you are up to it, and deal with the depression head on. People love to tell others how they should feel, think, act but the reality is, while trying to ‘help’ it creates more of a problem. I’m glad you are addressing it, and not just living with it like some many others do. Hugs.
    Hope recently posted..CrossFit Garage Games: Native Sons Salt GamesMy Profile

  • Well, the good thing is, you are actively doing something about it. These things take time and I am sure you can get back to a place of feeling like yourself again. Best of wishes, and FYI, you still inspire me.
    Sharde recently posted..Friday!My Profile

  • It is real, and good for you for not only taking care if yourself, but blogging about it so others may be helped as well. I know exercise has been one if the most beneficial mood-boosters for me, but I’ve not had to deal with side effects. Thanks again for sharing.

  • Oh friend, I’m so sorry. I never would have guessed, as many of us wouldn’t. If you ever need anything, a friend to talk to, I’m always here. I know you have plenty of friends, of course, but I am always here regardless.
    Melissa @ Live, Love, & Run recently posted..On life’s highs and lows.My Profile

  • Keep your head up high…Your such an inspiration to myself and others.

  • Cherie, We are all here for you! Hang in there and take care of yourself : ) I will be thinking of you. HUGS!!!!

  • I have suffered for 32 years with the exact same diagnosis…” Severe clinical depression”. Tried several meds and med combination’s to function “normally”. Some life events make it worse, but I know it’s always there. Never give up or give in to it…one of my favorite books is The Noon Day Demon. When you feel it creeping up… RUN!

  • So glad you took care of yourself and got help right away. I was wondering where you were because I missed your workout pics 🙁 Hope you are feeling better and more like your beautiful self soon! xoxo
    Holly @ Pink-Runner.com recently posted..Lake Placid, NY Trip – Ironman!My Profile

  • So sorry girl! But I’m so glad you are getting help. I’ll be praying for you!
    Mindy @ Road Runner Girl recently posted..The Weekly Chase #32!My Profile

  • Cherie, you love yourself, your family, and friends enough to know and want to get help. That is one of the bravest things you can do in this process. Take care, it’s a process and you can get through this.

    Be well
    Christina

  • hugs to you!

  • I’m glad you brought this to the table. Not many people with depression will. There is still such a stigma around it. There are so many people that just DO NOT understand it. I hope those nasty side effect go away soon. As a person who also suffers depression, this post has helped remind me that I am not alone in this. Thank you.

  • And you dont have to ask WHY I have been #teamCherie from Day 1. You ALWAYS keep it 100! Thank you for being so courageous and transparent in sharing your story/journey! You CONTINUE to encourage many through your blog AND many, many more especially after this one! Love you! GenuineFeedback

  • Hugs to you! I’m glad you’re seeking help! That takes a lot of courage.

  • Girl, kudos to you for getting help & putting this out there. I have someone very close to me that has struggled with depression over the years but tries to say it’s easier to ignore than deal with. They don’t see that it depression affects just the individual.

    You have been missed, but there’s no greater way to usher that elephant on outta the room. Keep your chin up, we’re cheering for you!!

    xoxo
    Melissa @ Melissa Running It recently posted..Designer Whey Sustained Energy Protein {Review}My Profile

  • I too was ‘surprised’ when I was diagnosed with depression because I really believed that’s just how everyone feels. I’ve been on Wellbutrin for a while now and the peace I feel is worth more than gold.

    I can actually appreciate myself now and even though I weigh 23 pounds more than I’d like I’m not beating myself up about it. Sure I want to work on it but my personal worth isn’t measured on a scale, this is a peace that I would have only known through this journey. Good for you and I wish you all the peace and joy you can handle.

  • Thank you for sharing your truth and struggles. I am praying for you to get thru this.

  • I’m so sorry you’re going through this Cherie…as sucky as it is at least you know what the issue is and what you need to do. I noticed your presence missing on Facebook but just assumed it was your dislike of Facebook and you were Instagramming it more. 🙂 I hope everything starts falling into place for you soon.

  • Thank you so much for sharing and being truthful! Praying for you and I hope to read more from you soon! You are such an inspiration!

  • Just wanted to chime in and say thank you- thank you for being transparent, brave, and willing to share your journey. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you travel down the road to getting yourself “back” to where you WANT to be!
    Tami Grandi recently posted..Recap- Races and Life!My Profile

  • I am so proud of you for sharing that. I too have been diagnosed with depression and it isn’t easy. I am now going through it again. I also get the same comments and I just want to punch them. You are a very strong person and you will overcome this.

  • Cherie,

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I admire you for being honest with everyone and going public with your struggle! Depression is such a hard thing to fight. I understand. Just keep doing what you are doing… and don’t listen to anyone who wants do diminish what you are going through. It’s so, so hard. Keep strong. I’ll be thinking about you!

  • Cherie, I am glad you are back to working out. I feel the same way but haven’t been able to get myself back to the gym. I keep telling myself I will do it tomorrow and I just don’t. Well maybe tomorrow! Big Hugs ZLAM

  • Very brave of you to share this with us. Thank you for sharing.
    I pray that you do get well, and that you keep it up. That God helps you overcome this situation as He has helped you overcome others.
    Depression is not a game. It hurts. But you are on the right track, it will feel better.
    God bless.

  • I’ve been following your blog for the last several months and while I can’t say I know what you’re going through, I will say that I have suffered from depression as well. I think it’s wonderful that you’re working through it. Day by day or hour by hour is the right mindset.
    Please don’t feel an obligation to keep blogging unless you feel it’s compatible with your current goals and needs. I will say you have a way with words, so I hope you can use that gift to help yourself heal. If not for the public, private journaling might also be therapeutic.