After taking a two month hiatus from Facebook, (kind of like Rihanna, but without a nude picture scandal), I spent more time with the types of social media that personally make me happy, laugh, and keep me inspired–Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram. I carved out more time to make the recipes I salivated over (and could actually say “Nailed it!” to some of the creations), enjoyed the witty banter and chats with people I swear would be my BFFs in IRL, and scrolling through pictures of everyday life—well, I just became plain ‘ol addicted to Instagram. It’s about to knock Twitter out of place as my favorite! But as much as I love it, I realized that there is definitely some Sh*t People Say on Instagram that they’d have me believing is the absolute TRUTH if they had their way.
Sh*t People Say on Instagram…
1.) There are #NoExcuses
No one has any. Apparently, I am the ONLY one that sometimes lets life interrupt and prevent me from 100% eating clean and getting to the gym everysingledaynomatterwhat because I’m #fitfam and #fitfluential and that’s just what you do or else your fitness card is taken away and you’re beaten with a dumbbell and chicken and broccoli are pelted at you in a public shaming. Phew! That’s a lot of pressure. But #NoExcuses!
2.) Starbucks, Nutella, & Overnight Oats are totes ahhhmazing.
I’m weird because I don’t like them. Oh I like Starbucks, but because I can’t afford to go to Starbucks every day and post pics of me with my red cup, but instead I make it at home old school like, I’m missing out because it’s not the same. And who doesn’t like Nutella and overnight oats? Me. Oops. What??? So yeah, girl, you can’t sit with us.
3.) If you wear make-up at the gym you should suffer “Make-up Shaming.”
That’s right. I’m not Team Natural and haven’t been since the sixth grade, Sephora makes my heart race, and I can and do lift weights with make up on. I didn’t wake up like this, I didn’t participate in the “make-up-free selfie” thing that was going around, and sometimes I wear make up while I’m just sitting on my couch with nowhere to go BECAUSE I LIKE IT even though no one will see me. Shame away!
4.) You didn’t sweat enough. Your workout is invalid.
I didn’t work out hard enough because I’m not drenched in sweat. Never mind you can’t see my back sweat or crotch sweat (ladies of IG, some of you and I discussed this already), and because my hair is still in place and beads of sweat aren’t pouring down my face, I might as well just count this workout as a loss. Pshhh. What a waste. Where you sweat is the only determining factor of your effort. Bad personal trainer—how didn’t I know?
5.) You’re clearly an Online Dating Reject but need to try it for the 16th time because I know somebody who…
Well, Sally met her boyfriend on eHarmony. And Mary Jo is married to the man she met only a year ago on Match.com. And Suzy just got engaged and she met her fiancé on OkCupid. Seeing as how upon even the SLIGHTEST mention of online dating, I’m BOMBARDED with stories of how someone or her best friend or her sister’s cousin’s Zumba instructor met, dated, got engaged and then married her SOULMATE from doing online dating, something is clearly wrong with me because I haven’t. Clearly.
6.) Commitment to clean-eating. You ain’t ’bout this life.
I am the only one who enjoys a fine meal of beer and pizza or wine and a burger sometimes. No one else eats anything that is not paleo/vegetarian/vegan/loadedupwithquinoaandchiaseeds 100% of the time. And they don’t drink alcohol. It’s the devil’s brew. Only water. Infused with a lemon. An organic lemon.
ALL STOLEN PICS OF ME, by the way!!!
7.) Join my $25,000 Pyramid Scheme to reach your fitness goals.
If I don’t join your team and then recruit more members to then in turn each form a team, I won’t lose weight. If I don’t wrap my fat, I won’t lose weight. If I don’t use the exact supplements you take, I won’t lose weight. Because, well, I didn’t already lose weight or anything. I mean, duh, what was I thinking about knowing how to lose weight without those things.
8.) Turn down for what?!
It’s Friday night, sister. Errrrybody’s out. Either on a date or at the club with their girlfriends. What are you doing on the couch with your Chipotle and Dateline NBC? Yeah, you’re single but how are you going to meet anyone if you’re at home solving mysteries eating a chicken soft taco? Umm, because it’s not Date Night. It’s Dateline Night.
9.) You snooze you lose. Goooooo morning workouts!
If you didn’t spring out of bed to go run or to the gym when that alarm went off at 4:30am., your whole day will be a disaster. You won’t have enough energy to carry you through to the end of your workday. Heck, you’ll be too tired after work and you will skip working out all together. Everyone else is up posting their post-run, post-gym pics by 6am with hashtags like #ITrainWhileYouSleep or #5amgymsesh and you’re just waking up. How lazy, Cherie. We all know workouts after the workday don’t count anyway. Jeeze.
Yeahhhh, Instagrammers. You say the darndest things. Haha, always making me laugh though! Have any of you regularly seen some Sh*t People Say on Instagram that they believe is the gospel?